I feel googly-eyed. How can something that takes up so much of my mind not really be coming along? So, so very slow going. I will certainly be using my grace days.
Last paper. Last one.
Haven't I said that before?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
...ebb and flow...
It's amazing what a couple of days off, two 10-hour nights of sleep, a trip to Ikea for some organizers and shelves, and two double-doses of vitamin b can do for one's outlook on life.
After my last post, I kidnapped Rob when he came home from work and we went out for dinner to a little thai restaurant nearby that I've been wanting to try. We used to go for thai food about once a month back in Winnipeg; it was one of our favourite things to do. Now we don't have the luxury of going out for dinner as much as we used to, but I think it's important to make room for things that ground us once in awhile. Inside the cozy little red-walled restaurant, I told him how I was feeling over rice rolls and pad thai. He sympathized and empathized, and said he was really feeling the same way. We made a decision to try harder to live in the present.
Together, we spent Sunday doing things around the apartment that we just sort of were never getting around to. With a bit of love and attention, we finally have a place that I completely love coming home to again. Rob even re-potted the sad little plant clippings we had been neglecting in a corner, and now they are thriving all over the living room. My anxiety has calmed. For now, I feel better.
After my last post, I kidnapped Rob when he came home from work and we went out for dinner to a little thai restaurant nearby that I've been wanting to try. We used to go for thai food about once a month back in Winnipeg; it was one of our favourite things to do. Now we don't have the luxury of going out for dinner as much as we used to, but I think it's important to make room for things that ground us once in awhile. Inside the cozy little red-walled restaurant, I told him how I was feeling over rice rolls and pad thai. He sympathized and empathized, and said he was really feeling the same way. We made a decision to try harder to live in the present.
Together, we spent Sunday doing things around the apartment that we just sort of were never getting around to. With a bit of love and attention, we finally have a place that I completely love coming home to again. Rob even re-potted the sad little plant clippings we had been neglecting in a corner, and now they are thriving all over the living room. My anxiety has calmed. For now, I feel better.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
...rude awakening...
Somewhere along the way I've lost myself.
I don't want to get melodramatic, but it's true. It's something that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but now that I have I can see I've known it all along. I spend so much of my "free time" wrapped in fleece, hooded sweatshirts and legwarmers, computer on my lap and doing what I can to relax. In "relaxing", I become immobile and half the time if Rob doesn't bring me food and tea I might not eat or drink. This makes me feel terrible. I start to wonder where and when I became so lazy, and then question whether lazy is really the word. The truth is, I don't feel lazy - can't, when so much of my life is spent jumping out of bed at all hours, hard at work, learning, thinking, running, prepping, giving, trying, failing, trying again. I tell myself - and others (parents, friends, Rob) agree - that this is only temporary; that it can't be helped right now because of the intensity of the midwifery program. I tell myself I made this choice and this immobility, dissatisfaction, departure from myself is the essence of that sacrifice. But I haven't really believed that... I can't. No matter what my circumstances are and how I got here, disengaging from life is not required. In fact, I can't even say it is the "easy way" to cope, since so much dissatisfaction and unhappiness comes from having checked out of life. So I'm not sure why I've ended up here.
I am tired of feeling envious of people with life and creativity and passion. I am tired of feeling like I remember having those things once, and wondering where they went. I am tired of assuming all of this is because I've gotten older. I don't believe getting older means changing into something less than I was before and being satisfied with things that once would never have been enough. And blaming this sorry state on the midwifery program is a cop-out; I can see that now. Lots of people go to university - many people even work seriously hard. It is not a good excuse for disappearing.
I used to enjoy writing - lately I feel like I don't have a clue how it's done. Generally my posts feel forced and boring. I have wanted to dig deeper, but couldn't remember how. I used to love music. Listening to music, finding new music, going to shows. Recently, I have felt like I don't know where to find it, and haven't had time for it. I used to take pride in having a tidy, warm, unique space to come home to. Lately I've been stressed out by knowing it is messy, boring and in need of attention, but I've been too tired to figure out what it needs. I've been blaming the whole thing on the space itself, or on being broke and not having the resources to tend to it. The truth is, it doesn't need resources. It just needs love. I'm aware of it... and yet it continues to be messy and unloved. The list goes on. Suddenly, as of now, I'm awake... and I know I have a lot of work to do.
I don't want to get melodramatic, but it's true. It's something that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but now that I have I can see I've known it all along. I spend so much of my "free time" wrapped in fleece, hooded sweatshirts and legwarmers, computer on my lap and doing what I can to relax. In "relaxing", I become immobile and half the time if Rob doesn't bring me food and tea I might not eat or drink. This makes me feel terrible. I start to wonder where and when I became so lazy, and then question whether lazy is really the word. The truth is, I don't feel lazy - can't, when so much of my life is spent jumping out of bed at all hours, hard at work, learning, thinking, running, prepping, giving, trying, failing, trying again. I tell myself - and others (parents, friends, Rob) agree - that this is only temporary; that it can't be helped right now because of the intensity of the midwifery program. I tell myself I made this choice and this immobility, dissatisfaction, departure from myself is the essence of that sacrifice. But I haven't really believed that... I can't. No matter what my circumstances are and how I got here, disengaging from life is not required. In fact, I can't even say it is the "easy way" to cope, since so much dissatisfaction and unhappiness comes from having checked out of life. So I'm not sure why I've ended up here.
I am tired of feeling envious of people with life and creativity and passion. I am tired of feeling like I remember having those things once, and wondering where they went. I am tired of assuming all of this is because I've gotten older. I don't believe getting older means changing into something less than I was before and being satisfied with things that once would never have been enough. And blaming this sorry state on the midwifery program is a cop-out; I can see that now. Lots of people go to university - many people even work seriously hard. It is not a good excuse for disappearing.
I used to enjoy writing - lately I feel like I don't have a clue how it's done. Generally my posts feel forced and boring. I have wanted to dig deeper, but couldn't remember how. I used to love music. Listening to music, finding new music, going to shows. Recently, I have felt like I don't know where to find it, and haven't had time for it. I used to take pride in having a tidy, warm, unique space to come home to. Lately I've been stressed out by knowing it is messy, boring and in need of attention, but I've been too tired to figure out what it needs. I've been blaming the whole thing on the space itself, or on being broke and not having the resources to tend to it. The truth is, it doesn't need resources. It just needs love. I'm aware of it... and yet it continues to be messy and unloved. The list goes on. Suddenly, as of now, I'm awake... and I know I have a lot of work to do.
... yet another midterm...
More than a month (nearly two) since my last post... how?! Time flies when you're in extremely uncomfortable, challenging periods of growth, I guess.
This semester has differed significantly from the last. Instead of having just one preceptor, I now have two officially and spend a lot of time with several different midwives. This has its advantages and disadvantages: I've enjoyed getting to know different midwives and their unique styles of practice... however I also feel confused by the varied opinions on different circumstances since I am at a point in my learning where I need to become comfortable making management plans. For example, if one person is not worried about a baby's weight loss and another is extremely worried about the same baby's weight loss, how should I be feeling about it/managing it in a way that everyone is comfortable with?
I have started to see periods where I feel confident and capable, and in those moments I can see how far I've come. However sometime this past week or two I started to realize that the game has changed... where once I was being told what we had to do on a given day, or was being prompted along plans of management, suddenly I am dropping the ball if I am not keeping on top of every detail and bringing up my plans without prompting. It's not that I can't do it, nor that they are being unfair to me... it's just that I'm still figuring it all out. The worst part is always how hard I am on myself, and how hard I take the critiques because I hate being wrong! I don't know if it's exhaustion, or being overwhelmed... but I cried a lot this past week.
Which makes the fact I am taking two days off all the more important. Yesterday was our midterm exam, which I thought seemed to go pretty alright, especially because I just couldn't bring myself to spend as much time studying as I usually do. Only the mark will tell, but I feel like I passed which is the main thing. My evaluation with my preceptors and tutor is on Monday morning. I know I'm doing alright, but these things always make me nervous.
I've been feeling more and more homesick and ready to take on the prairies again. My midwifery contacts back home make it sound really promising for positions around the time I will graduate. The question of whether to stay or go has been on my mind lately. Only time will tell, but I think Rob and I are both feeling pretty ready to roll on out of Toronto at this point.
It took awhile, but I feel like I finally know where home is. Now that I know, having to wait before going there is excruciating! I am so glad I've developed renewed appreciation for it.
This semester has differed significantly from the last. Instead of having just one preceptor, I now have two officially and spend a lot of time with several different midwives. This has its advantages and disadvantages: I've enjoyed getting to know different midwives and their unique styles of practice... however I also feel confused by the varied opinions on different circumstances since I am at a point in my learning where I need to become comfortable making management plans. For example, if one person is not worried about a baby's weight loss and another is extremely worried about the same baby's weight loss, how should I be feeling about it/managing it in a way that everyone is comfortable with?
I have started to see periods where I feel confident and capable, and in those moments I can see how far I've come. However sometime this past week or two I started to realize that the game has changed... where once I was being told what we had to do on a given day, or was being prompted along plans of management, suddenly I am dropping the ball if I am not keeping on top of every detail and bringing up my plans without prompting. It's not that I can't do it, nor that they are being unfair to me... it's just that I'm still figuring it all out. The worst part is always how hard I am on myself, and how hard I take the critiques because I hate being wrong! I don't know if it's exhaustion, or being overwhelmed... but I cried a lot this past week.
Which makes the fact I am taking two days off all the more important. Yesterday was our midterm exam, which I thought seemed to go pretty alright, especially because I just couldn't bring myself to spend as much time studying as I usually do. Only the mark will tell, but I feel like I passed which is the main thing. My evaluation with my preceptors and tutor is on Monday morning. I know I'm doing alright, but these things always make me nervous.
I've been feeling more and more homesick and ready to take on the prairies again. My midwifery contacts back home make it sound really promising for positions around the time I will graduate. The question of whether to stay or go has been on my mind lately. Only time will tell, but I think Rob and I are both feeling pretty ready to roll on out of Toronto at this point.
It took awhile, but I feel like I finally know where home is. Now that I know, having to wait before going there is excruciating! I am so glad I've developed renewed appreciation for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)